If a cannibal only ate vegetarians, that would make them hard to label.

A roller coaster is more appropriately named if you bring an iced drink and set it beside you.

My girlfriend was like “I want to get in your pants” and I was like “I want to get in your pants.” So we switched pants. It wasn’t that exciting.

EA To Focus On More Realistic Combat

(FAIRFAX) At today’s Virginia Entertainment Expo, Gaming giant Electronic Action announced that it has opted to go in a “new direction” with its famed World War II videogame franchise, Medal of Warfare: Duty Beckons. Bill Windsor, president of the company, offered a summary of the impending changes, saying that “with cutting-edge graphics becoming almost life-like, it was time for gameplay to follow suit.”

“In this game”, he said, “if you get shot, your character dies. That’s it. If you want to play again, you have to buy a new game.”

According to industry sources, this is meant to be an homage to actual events that occurred during World War II, in which soldiers were not allowed to continue fighting after they’d been killed, but were instead forced to remain dead. These changes would eliminate the standard “respawn” of combat videogames in favor of a screenshot of Arlington Cemetery and the text “Game Over.”

“Of course”, he went on to admit, “you don’t always die when you’re shot – that wouldn’t be fair. Sometimes you bleed to death over the course of five or six hours. Once in a while you just lose a limb, in which case you can play as long as you want. But then you’re limited to the ‘Ultra Busy Hospital’ and ‘VFW’ levels.”

The Virginia Entertainment Expo was started in 1983 when programming legend Ricky Gunders and design guru Steve Henderson were simultaneously kicked out of their parents’ houses and could find nothing better to do. The Expo is named for their clientele, and not, as is often assumed, because the Expo takes place in Virginia. The event has grown to accommodate over five thousand attendees every year, showcasing new installments of famous titles like Vehicular Felony and Strangely Entertaining Plumber as well as the occasional Medal of Warfare game.

As historically accurate as these changes might be, some gamers are rallying against the new system, labeling it as ‘harsh’ and ‘unfair’. They claim that the ‘one life, one game’ policy is simply a ploy to get gamers to spend more on software. Electronic Action CEO said in response, “Yeah, that’s pretty much it”, but also pointed out that since the Army has already started using videogames as recruiting tools, this will leave less to explain, and will cut down on troops running through enemy barracks looking for flags or shouting “they’re using hacks” when overwhelmed by enemy combatants.

The Expo is no stranger to controversy. Two years ago the game Spiky Blue Running Rodent was protested by members of PETA as a ‘representation of animal violence’ and an ‘exploitation of a defenseless species’. The conflict was only heightened when Spiky Blue Running Rodent: The Bunny Slaughter Suck It PETA Now Let’s See You Protest was released the next year. At the same event, Vehicular Felony was widely protested by Fundamentalist groups, which led to a counter-release of the titles Isn’t It Fun to Drive Safely and And Oops, I’d Better Write Down My Information and Put It In The Windshield Wiper, both of which failed to sell to national standards.

To help users adapt to changes, new game restrictions will be offset by a new set of sub-levels and features. In the new title, you can pay off high-ranking officials to get a military desk job, defect to Canada, and even inadvertently father a child in another country. EA also plans on offering a Shell Shock expansion pack to the franchise, which will allow game controllers to vibrate, often uncontrollably, and  screens to go black for short periods of time, adding to the challenge of the game for more experienced players.

The new gameplay system is not without its supporters. According its advocates, the game is only unfair if there’s no way to win. And as Bill Windsor tells us, “Of course you can win. If you’re able to play the game for roughly four years without getting shot, Japan surrenders and you win the game. Unless you play as France, in which case, no, there’s no way you can win.”

I bet the first interracial couple was extremely relieved that their child was not striped.

If you pump your legs while skydiving, you can run a mile in under a minute.

Weight Loss And Human Extinction

It is a distinctly human phenomenon that a member of the species will purposely go out of their way to make themselves easier to kill. Take, for instance, Himalayan mountain exploration.

“Here is a rock.”
“Indeed.”
“A rock in sub-zero climates such that even mountain goats avoid it.”
“Indeed.”
“We shall climb it until there is no air.”

Or, for instance, going on safari. Only humanity would go into a flat, open area with no food or water in an uncovered jeep in actual pursuit of giant meat-eating cats, and pay money to do so. Goldfish, for instance, do not lead expeditions into Sushi Bars. Added to this is the fact that the average American safari is comprised of people who could probably be rolled a mile faster than they could run one. The tour guide is, of course, safe, because as a local he has to run two miles in order to drink water. The rest of the caravan is the equivalent of a giant KFC bucket on wheels whining about how they want to get closer to the enormous carnivorous animals that just took down an elephant so we can take pictures, please. Better yet is the overweight woman who has decided to wear zebra print pants.

This is why I think humans will eventually go extinct. Because we have no long term sense of self-preservation. Wanting to get ahead of the game, and having realized how much money people will spend to do something that happens naturally if you stop eating donuts, I have decided to propose these:

Five Overlooked Weight-loss Methods

1. Unfathomable Emotional Stress

Go ahead, break off the engagement with the guy you’ve been dating for the last four years. The anxiety and latent guilt caused by the experience will make you lose massive amounts of weight. Of course, you might also turn to food for relief and balloon into a whale. Unless you’re already a whale, in which case you’d balloon into a small orbiting planet.

2. Heroin Addiction

Have you ever simply forgotten to eat for three weeks? If you answered yes, you’re probably either dealing with unfathomable emotional stress or addicted to heroin, crystal meth, and/or copious amounts of amphetamines. Drug addictions are an extremely effective way to reverse your normal bodily functions. Your liver used to synthesize protein. Now it talks to you in a British accent. Your stomach used to process food. Now it simply acts as temporary storage.

3. Amputation

A leg makes up roughly 15% of your total body weight. And think of all the money you’ll save on pirate or Jaws-themed Halloween costumes.

4. Moving to a Different Planet

Sure, you weigh 250 pounds here. But on Mars, that’s only 94.25 pounds.

5. Giving Blood

There are about 6 quarts of blood in the human body, which weigh about 12 pounds. This might not seem like a lot, but when you consider that you can also get paid for it, it becomes much more tempting. If you donate all of your blood at once, you can make up to $400.

As a disclaimer: For the love of God, don’t actually try these and then try to sue me. I don’t have any money for you to take.

In all honesty, lack of self-preservation is probably one of humanity’s most endearing traits and is probably one of the few things that separates us from the lower animals. A monkey wouldn’t go base jumping. Although it would be awesome if it did. Somebody needs to get a monkey and go base jumping.

After five drinks, any bar is a karaoke bar.

Tag is one of the easiest games in existence, assuming you’re not a Siamese twin.

I wonder if turtles ever look at lizards and go, “Aw, poor homeless guy.”