That Time of Year

Originally posted November 1, 2006

It’s that time again. Election time.

It just so happens that every election, the constant stream of political commentary makes me think that I have a valuable opinion.

On reviewing several of the issues, I have discovered that I am a genius, and can fix all of our problems. So here we go.

Gay Marriage

You can’t force morality. People should have equal rights regardless of what goes in where. I think we’re all at least a little bit gay. I know not to wear pastels with earth tones, and I’m okay with that. The only thing most people can’t decide on is what to call it. I say meet halfway and call it “gay-riage”.

The War In Iraq

Very simple. Send Bush to actually fight in Iraq. This is a no-lose situation. No matter how much you dislike his policies, it’s hard to disagree with a man who’s fighting in his own war. If he gets shot, the Republicans have a martyr and the Democrats have a party.

The Fact That Jessica Simpson Is Making Movies

Make her listen to her own music until her brain melts.

Gas Prices

The reason oil is so expensive it that there’s only so much of it. Luckily, there happens to be another resource we have quite a lot of. It’s called water. Once Bush blows himself up in Iraq, we can use his war budget to switch to Hydrogen instead of gas.

This way we can be friends with the Middle East and eliminate global warming.

Global Warming

See above.

North Korea

Don’t nuke them. For the love of God, don’t nuke them.

I say send Wal-Mart in and let them take over. If that doesn’t cut it, send McDonald’s in as reinforcement. Before long, Kim Jon Il will die of a McHeart Attack, and the rest of the population will be too busy buying two boxes of Cheese-It’s and getting one free to care.

So that’s the plan. Next on the list: how to attempt world domination without killing any Jews.

Over and out.