Children Attacked By Cretaceous Predator

 

IRVING, TEXAS – What had for months been a pleasant ritual of after-school education turned to horror yesterday when an unidentified dinosaur attempted to eat a local elementary student.

Michael Wallace was in the middle of a song about how to count to ten in Spanish when the attack occurred. “We had just gotten to ‘cinco’, that means five, when he started chasing Shawn. And it wasn’t to play tag, not at all. He had this look in his eyes.”

The children said that the prehistoric beast had frequently taken part in their activities, but had maintained a positive, even annoyingly positive, attitude until that afternoon. “He taught us how to make rockets out of cardboard tubes. I really thought that meant something,” said Tina Matthews before collapsing into tears.

Her confusion was understandable. “Often, an attacker will attempt to create an emotional bond before attempting an attack,” said a Department Specialist, “Clearly, that was the case here.” The dinosaur had made a point of telling the children that he loved them, they loved him, and that they were a happy family. But the same dinosaur that had taught them so much about basic scientific principles had conveniently never mentioned anything about the Food Chain.

Connie Travers, a single mother of two, admitted that she had knowingly allowed her children to play with the dinosaur. “I don’t know what we expected,” she said. ”I mean, he was a six-foot carnivore. Just because something is bright purple doesn’t mean it won’t kill you.”

It’s a school policy that any minor on the premises be accompanied by an adult, but amazingly, the five children had been meeting for months without a chaperone. Officer Bradley of the 3rd Division noted that he was equally surprised.  ”You get a call like this and the last thing you expect to find is a frightened and racially balanced group of kids.

Despite the obvious bite marks, police were unable to find any evidence of an attack. We have it on good information that this large . . . reptile . . . might not even be real”, said Officer Bradley. The surrounding neighbors had been calling in to the school to report strange activity, citing a group of singing adolescents, but there was no mention of a dinosaur. They then went on to describe the singing as “God-awful, but frustratingly catchy.” The Department Specialist notified us that left unattended, small groups of children can begin to exhibit what she described as “group psychosis”. She noted that “In an attempt to discuss complex issues such as family dynamics and loneliness, they will use what’s called a ‘facilitator’, in this case, a purple dinosaur.”

“We did find a plush toy with some blood on it”, reported Lt. Lucas, “We’re going to compare blood and tissue samples and then move on from there.”

This is not the first example of juvenile group psychosis that the Department has encountered in recent months. A recent incident in Baltimore, Maryland had four children hospitalized with LSD-like symptoms after they experienced something they described as a “reading rainbow”. Involvement in such an ordeal can be difficult for any family, but some parents choose to see the positive side of the issue. “It’s educational,” said Brian Grant of Polk County. ”Sometimes it takes a coma-inducing hallucination to get kids to care about learning. My Alex is up to a fifth grade reading level.”

For others, the road to recovery will be longer. In the case of Shawn Larsen, the victim of the dinosaur attack, the experience was educational in and of itself. As he told reporters, “It’s been an ongoing subject of debate whether the T-rex was primarily a predator, or primarily a scavenger. If one tried to eat me, I think that question has been answered.” As for Shawn himself, a dozen stitches and a day or so in the hospital should see him back on his feet.