Drugs and Coffee

There are some people everyone hates. As an example, everyone hates drug dealers. I’ve heard people say “Oh, he just drinks a little too much now and then.” I’ve never heard someone say, “Oh, he just sells a little too much cocaine-laced heroin now and then”. The general consensus seems to be, “if you sell drugs, you end up next to Osama Bin Laden on the list of people I would hypothetically kill if given the chance. If you sell them to kids, be I a nun or a librarian, I will still go out of the way to hit you with my car.”

Unfortunately, if I can’t find a summer job, I might be forced to deal drugs. This could be difficult, since the only things I know about narcotics come from ex-stoner friends and the movie Requiem For A Dream. Luckily, I’ve listened to enough rap music that I should be able to get by.

“Hey.”

“What up homes – if you got weight, I’m pushing the pure direct.”

“What the hell did you just say?”

“I’m selling drugs.”

“Oh.”

For an added touch, I could put Happy Meal toys in the bags so people could bring them home to their kids. To be fair, some drugs are classified as ‘recreational’, but that also kind of redefines recreation to include spending three hours telling your deepest secrets to your wallpaper only to eventually realize that it cannot reciprocate human emotion.

Pending legislation in California, selling drugs might eventually become legal. You have to wonder how that would look on Career Day at the local elementary school.

“This is Ronnie’s Dad. His name is Herbert Jones and he sells marijuana on the streets of Santa Barbara. Go ahead, Mr. Jones.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Pendleton. Well, my job is based on supply and demand. People demand hallucinogenic chemicals, and I, in turn, supply them. Jimmy, your dad enjoys a blunt now and then, doesn’t he? Of course he does. And you remember how Ben’s dad, the lawyer, said that sometimes he has to question people to see if they’ve stolen things? Well I do a lot of that too, except where Ben’s dad uses rhetoric and litigation, I use these twin glock pistols and all manner of shouted profanity. Now, if it’s okay with your teacher, I’m going to show you how I add baking soda to cocaine to make more cocaine.”

In 1843, Karl Marx said that ‘religion was the opiate of the masses’. And then heroin was invented and marketed as a non-addictive cough medicine. As it turns out, opium is the opiate of the masses. Ultimately, housewives got tired of their six-years-olds stealing money and blaming it on purple dragons and by 1924, it was outlawed. Now, about 55% of Americans are medically addicted to caffeine, which makes your average Starbucks employee only slightly less intimidating than the drooling dope fiends your grandparents were so worried about.

But for all the lives they’ve destroyed, drugs have given us many positive things, including but not limited to: the Beatles, Jamaica, and most of the 1970’s. But it’s hard to know if the awesome tie-dye is worth the bell bottoms, and whether the musical innovation is really worth what eventually became Techno Rave. I think if we really want to keep kids off drugs, we should just tell them how they can lower your standards to the point where you stay with your parents into your forties or marry Yoko Ono. She has a 5:2 ratio of vowels to consonants in her name. She’s not to be trusted. When a person’s last name is pronounced “Oh, no”, you should stay away, John Lennon, stay away or the Beatles are going to break up, John Lennon. And yes, I know that’s not fair to her, Yoko fans. What was I talking about? Oh, yeah. Drugs are bad.

See also: A dumb thing to ask a Beatle (here) and maybe the most futile PSA ever (here).