Man Refuses to Shun Stereotype

CHICAGO – A man who stopped taking dance lessons at a local studio returned to his home on the North Side only to be informed by friends that he had validated a racial stereotype. Robert Patterson had enrolled in the class on a whim, but then quit, citing the monthly fees as “not worth it”. The twenty-six year old intern had planned to use the extra money to pay for a cable bill and felt that the studio environment was “kind of gay”. Only after it was too late did he realize that the general public might assume that he quit because “white people can’t dance.”

Mr. Patterson assured us that he normally goes to great lengths to avoid racial stereotypes. “I’m careful,” he said. “I haven’t high-fived anyone for months. It’s just a shame.” However, it quickly became apparent that the dancing issue was not the only ethnic label being promoted. Robert informed us that his friend Jeff, a man of African-American descent, had not only recently played basketball, but had also continued listening to a Kanye West album even after being told that it was considered “rap”. And as Robert told us, ethnic balance was a very important to the relationship. “I mean, honestly, otherwise I don’t know if we would hang out. But I have to have a friend who’s black, or else people will think I’m a racist.” Jeff cited similar problems with Robert. “Sometimes I’m going for a high five, and he wants to do this complicated handshake thing where he grabs my hand and then pulls it in so he can do a chest bump with a one-armed man hug. And I’m sick of him calling me ‘homes’. Seriously.”

In a society where interracial marriages are increasingly common, children of mixed race often have a hard time knowing which racial stereotypes to avoid. Audrey Wu, a high school student with parents of both Asian and Caucasian descent, relayed her frustration. “It makes math class difficult – if I do well, I become the ‘Nerdy Asian’, but if I don’t, I become the typical ‘Dumb White Kid’. I’ve been forced to carefully maintain a solid B average somewhere between an 83 and 87 percent.” Tiger Woods, the world-famous golfer, has African and Asian heritage, which he says has kept him from participating in his true sport of choice, Shoalin Ki – a form of Kung Fu in which participants also play improvised Blues music.

Candice Hobart, a spokesperson for Angry People Holding Signs and Speaking Loudly, had this to say: “We need to educate people. Take two groups that are often stereotyped, Women and the Chinese. Between them they make up about 66% of the world population. That means the majority of people are minorities – so we need to educate the average ignorant, biased, yokel about not making unfair generalizations.” Local man Joe James Thompson had concerns of his own. “I’m a Klu Klux Klan member. This is taking attention away from those of us who are truly hateful. How else am I supposed to project my abusive and alcohol-ridden childhood onto others? You just tell me that.”

Last May, the affirmative action lobby Creating Equality by Treating Certain Races Differently organized a march on the Washington Monument, a landmark they claimed was offensive because it was completely white. They also noted that none of the textbooks used in US public schools depicted Washington as a minority race, which led to another march three days later. Others are not as worried. Nathan Johnson, Robert’s neighbor, showed us his Different Strokes DVD’s and a poster, in which a man is testing positive for color blindness, which he assured us was his favorite. “I’m not worried,” he told us, ” Color blindness – is contagious. Not the actual color blindness that makes me dress like this, but the hypothetical, racial kind. It’s contagious.”

As for Robert Patterson, there are no plans to go back to the dance studio in the near future. “After all,” he said, “I can totally dance. Just check out my DDR scores.”