Weight Loss And Human Extinction

It is a distinctly human phenomenon that a member of the species will purposely go out of their way to make themselves easier to kill. Take, for instance, Himalayan mountain exploration.

“Here is a rock.”
“Indeed.”
“A rock in sub-zero climates such that even mountain goats avoid it.”
“Indeed.”
“We shall climb it until there is no air.”

Or, for instance, going on safari. Only humanity would go into a flat, open area with no food or water in an uncovered jeep in actual pursuit of giant meat-eating cats, and pay money to do so. Goldfish, for instance, do not lead expeditions into Sushi Bars. Added to this is the fact that the average American safari is comprised of people who could probably be rolled a mile faster than they could run one. The tour guide is, of course, safe, because as a local he has to run two miles in order to drink water. The rest of the caravan is the equivalent of a giant KFC bucket on wheels whining about how they want to get closer to the enormous carnivorous animals that just took down an elephant so we can take pictures, please. Better yet is the overweight woman who has decided to wear zebra print pants.

This is why I think humans will eventually go extinct. Because we have no long term sense of self-preservation. Wanting to get ahead of the game, and having realized how much money people will spend to do something that happens naturally if you stop eating donuts, I have decided to propose these:

Five Overlooked Weight-loss Methods

1. Unfathomable Emotional Stress

Go ahead, break off the engagement with the guy you’ve been dating for the last four years. The anxiety and latent guilt caused by the experience will make you lose massive amounts of weight. Of course, you might also turn to food for relief and balloon into a whale. Unless you’re already a whale, in which case you’d balloon into a small orbiting planet.

2. Heroin Addiction

Have you ever simply forgotten to eat for three weeks? If you answered yes, you’re probably either dealing with unfathomable emotional stress or addicted to heroin, crystal meth, and/or copious amounts of amphetamines. Drug addictions are an extremely effective way to reverse your normal bodily functions. Your liver used to synthesize protein. Now it talks to you in a British accent. Your stomach used to process food. Now it simply acts as temporary storage.

3. Amputation

A leg makes up roughly 15% of your total body weight. And think of all the money you’ll save on pirate or Jaws-themed Halloween costumes.

4. Moving to a Different Planet

Sure, you weigh 250 pounds here. But on Mars, that’s only 94.25 pounds.

5. Giving Blood

There are about 6 quarts of blood in the human body, which weigh about 12 pounds. This might not seem like a lot, but when you consider that you can also get paid for it, it becomes much more tempting. If you donate all of your blood at once, you can make up to $400.

As a disclaimer: For the love of God, don’t actually try these and then try to sue me. I don’t have any money for you to take.

In all honesty, lack of self-preservation is probably one of humanity’s most endearing traits and is probably one of the few things that separates us from the lower animals. A monkey wouldn’t go base jumping. Although it would be awesome if it did. Somebody needs to get a monkey and go base jumping.